Day 1 is hard.
So is Day 3 incidentally.
“Drink now” thoughts pop into my head for no apparent reason and with no apparent trigger. I’m at work reading a passage to a student from a short story and suddenly, I want a drink. It’s 10 a.m.
There’s no reason I suddenly want a drink. Nothing bad — or good particularly, is happening and yet the thought lodges in my brain like a burr. Robin Williams used to call it his “Lower Power.” 🙂 Belle Robertson calls it Wolfie from her book called Tired of Thinking About Drinking.
I know that trying to apply logic to insane behaviour is not helpful. It’s just distracting. Distance from Day 1 is what I want. I’ve had so many Day 1s and they are depressing and even more depressing to repeat. I’d like some silence from the chatter and I’d like to use my brain real estate for more interesting, creative pursuits. The Relapse, Rinse, Repeat is exhausting and breeds despair. And despair is dangerous ground because it means you believe that every day is going be like the last which of course is how hope gets snuffed out.
This blog is my attempt at keeping hope burning even if right now it’s just a small glowing ember. I hope the blog will make me accountable. And help me get some distance from Day 1.